31 days UPDATED

So October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I guess I try not to talk about all this stuff too much in public, I know it is sad to people and I don't want to force anyone to listen. But this little challenge just started and since it is a blog, you don't have to read this or hear it.


31 Days Blogging Challenge for Mothers of Loss

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Monica Gayle Moreno Ott, daughter,sister, wife, mother, cousin, aunt. I love to laugh, I get hyper but really do need my quiet time.I love photography, I love crafting things,I try to please and help everyone, even if I say I won't, I am all talk haha.
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Hannah, my ectopic pregnancy, her EDD date was Sept 25,2009, after the shock of learning I was pregnant, we got very excited to become parents. When I started bleeding, we went to dr only to see an empty sonogram, very hard to know you are pregnant but not pregnant. did 4 weeks of bloodwork every 2 days and ultrasound every 3 days. Angel #2, after the first loss, it kind of became very desperate to see if we could have another baby. Found out Mothers day 2009, at my parents house and without my hubby there my mother was very upset we had not waited at least the 4 months the drs. told us. Miscarried a week later after March of Dimes walk. Angel #3 lost it in July of 2009, by this point so grief stricken I didn't even want to remember. Carolina is my only baby with me, born july 23rd 2010, I thought I lost her as well, but it ended up being a blood clot at 7 weeks, when I saw her little heartbeat, I felt so much joy and so much sadness too, praying and thinking I would lose her everyday, and I checked everyday too.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"
Carolina and Tim and my dog wallace. Tim was always there to hold me when I cried and never has told me to get over it. Carolina is my little ray of sunshine. we bought Wallace the dog after the first 2 losses, he knows when I need a little love too, licks my face when I am crying alone
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going? My family
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks* Seeing butterflies while we are outside with all the flowers, I love it when they fly around Carolina too, it makes me happy
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have? I usually answer 1, but if they ask how many babies have you made or I know them a little more, I let them know subtly that I have been pregnant 4 times but only have one child. It is uncomfortable but I don't want people to think I will be melting down but I dont get to talk about them much either
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what? I have some pictures, just found out my drs office wont give me my ultrasounds from the 1st pregnancy due to legal issues. They have a christmas ornament to, but since they were so early, I don't have much of them.
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones? Now, alot more good days, and I think b/c now I have my little one to take care of, and she def keeps me busy. But she is my joy! :)
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
My little Carolina is too young to be told that she is a little sister, but it affects me more in a way that I pray,worry, fear so much that I may lose her too. I still check on her 2x a night, I hear noises I check on her, if I cant see her on the monitor , I check on her, I had a heart monitor that I would have Tim check when I didn't feel her move while I was pregnant. If I dont hear her at night breathing, I will physically feel her chest to make sure she is breathing.
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)? no not yet
Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father? I guess Tim didn't understand the ectopic pregnancy , he thought they could move the baby or something, when I finally told him there would be no baby, he cried with me, the first time I would see him cry
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss? Immediate family doesn't talk about it, my family thinks it is too sad to deal with and my relatives and inlaws never mention it, so i don't know how to feel or what to think.
Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child's name? once in awhile, it always surprises me when it happens
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel. This year I have helped with a walk, so I can reach out to others that feel alone or just need a friend . I have no ultrasound pictures or anything concrete to have memories so I am trying to help others and that helps me to remember
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?I went to the Walk To Remember Los Angeles, was really glad to be apart of it this year, felt a sense of accomplishment. Felt really good till I was driving home alone , my baby asleep and felt like noone was there so then I bawled my eyes out, it hit me in that moment all that I went through that year
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself? not really, I have my moments though
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you? I don't really think of it that way I guess, I want to think of them and look after them so I guess my Nana and family is looking after them .
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?Just having my baby here with me and seeing her so happy
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)? My hubby talking to them and rubbing my belly the instant he knew I was pregnant, took video and bought a baby name book that same week
Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about? No anger, life happens I guess
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?just seeing butterflies flit around carolina when she is in the yard , its funny
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)not really
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently? I dont know,maybe asking nurse for photo while I was in the office, now they wont give it to me
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them? just get alittle more thoughtful and protective
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them? dont like to be alone, but try not to make a big deal of it, people other than my hubby dont like that
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why? My day is going good, just busy trying to make holidays memorable for everyone and think of everyone right now. And I want Carolina to get in as much holiday for everyone, I am exhausted
Day 27: Share a picture. no haha
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss? Sometimes my hubby, I want him to remember most of all how much we went through
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again? I really didn't think about this until we started watching that beyond and back show, where people are declared legally dead, some for minutes and other for almost an hour, what they remember in that time and what they are going through. One little boy died and then told his mother, I saw a baby with grandpa, but the baby had no name. The mother had had a miscarry but had never told her son about it, that makes me certain they are in heaven as Jesus's precious angels
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)By staying as busy as possible, it is kinda outta control but the more quiet I have , I start to think and feel more sad
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief? A little, I still feel like people are judging even though I don't think many are reading this, so I opened up more but not the whole way . Too many emotions could start flooding back as well.