today

So this year is almost over.... FINALLY! It has been the best and worst year of my life, trampy hoes, babies galore, me with an ectopic and 2 miscarries, car accidents, root canals, buying a house, buying a puppy, and I am only 26 years old. For anyone saying, Gosh, get over it all, I will not, it is not what defines me but has forever changed and shaped the way life for me will be for a long time, if not forever.
This is something that I have been dealing with during all this drama.


Here is something I wrote to my first baby, one lady in my group on facebook did it and I wanted to try to see if it would help to cope with my loss. Sorry I just dive into it, but I cannot think of anyother segway into a glimpse of my feelings.

"When I first found out about you, I was devastated, now I couldn't be the first woman president or go to the moon, life was over. Daddy was ecstatic, I have never seen him so happy, and we have been together 10 years, and I am still learning about him. I made the doctors appt and 2 weeks later you were confirmed, Congratulations, you are indeed with a little one. Daddy had already bought a baby name book, because there wasn't enough time and you were going to have a strong name. When I started bleeding, I was freaking out, and prayed that you were alright. The new doctor took me right away, took some pictures of you but said you were too small to see so just to rest, the vampires snatched my blood but you were still there, I was relieved. I already loved you so much, I was happy and you seemed to be okay. Daddy loved rubbing my belly, you made me so hungry, my cousins thought it was funny, all food sounded delightful, so we knew you were going to be like 12lbs,cause I ate!! haha, inside joke. My pants got tight, I didn't want to smash you, it was prob just from eating but I will just say it was you growing, so grandma and I went and got some bigger clothes to cover you up. We went back to the doctors because I was still not normal, and she said she still didn't see you, it is devastating to see an empty sonogram, like a peanut or something but no, just empty. She said you were still there but prob snuggling away somewhere where you weren't supposed to be, already a troublemaker, haha She said you could hurt me depending on where you were, and wanted to scrap you out, and if you weren't there, you were prob snuggling in my tube. I almost told her yes, but then couldn't bear the thought of looking at daddy if he found out I did that to you, so I said no. The doctor got mad so we left and didn't ever see her again. Daddy kissed you goodnight and we prayed for you, we even have a video of you. We finally found another doctor and she was much nicer to you, she even found you snuggled in my tube, not wanting to go anywhere. So more vampires and needles and poking and more pictures of you began, to make sure you didn't kill mommy. But you were stubborn, just like your daddy, haha. Finally I didn't feel you anymore and the nurse called and said , your body is back to normal, and then we cried, I have never seen your daddy cry, except that night, and his eyes just got wet as we lay there all alone. I will never forget you, you weren't around for long but you have a place in my heart forever little one. God even gives me dreams of you, you were in a tutu, and holding my hand, and I called you Hannah, I guess this was God's name for you because I wouldn't give you an H name with an O last name, horrible. I miss you and will see you and your siblings again someday, I love you my baby,Love,Mommy"

This was the short version sorry, if that went on forever, but it has helped me with my hurt, and I write it now so maybe it will help others with their hurt.